What to expect if you are dating a feminist woman

tumblr_lxnyvawoxe1r6gk29o1_500

So you thought dating a feminist woman would be a nightmare? It’s actually not and it can be very refreshing for men, especially when it takes quite a load off you. Feminist women are really easy, a lot easier than people think. They support equality between the sexes. Yes, it’s that simple. And no, feminists don’t hate men. They neither think men are evil nor that all men are rapists. Yes, you can fall in love and be a feminist. And most importantly, anyone can be a feminist – male, female or other. A feminist is a gender neutral noun.

When it comes to dating a feminist woman, it is actually quite contrary to the popular belief that feminist women can be a head ache. Some men are intimidated but here are some reasons why you should be glad about it.

  1. Picking up the tab. We all know that you are a gentleman, but she might not want you to pay for her or pay every time whenever you go out on dates. She would like to pay sometimes for herself or for both of you. Respect that and you may earn brownie points ;)
  2. Lightening the load. Let her carry her heavy bags herself. You may want to ask once for sheer chivalry but if she refuses, don’t push it. She is a strong woman who can carry her stuff herself.
  3. Giving out your hand. Many men offer their hand for support if while walking there is a rocky terrain or steps or a bad road or anything even a slightly unkempt. I know you are just being chivalrous. But she might not appreciate this. After all, she is not feather light that she will fall down a couple of steps. She can walk alright.
  4. Chuck those petty gentleman habits. Opening the door of the car for her, pulling the chair for her, offering your help any time or every time. If she likes you, she likes you. You don’t require these courtesies to impress her.
  5. Ordering the meals. You would not want to do this at any cost. This is a big no. This kind of behaviour also comes off as being inconsiderate or rude or worse, she may think you are trying to curb her freedom. After you have decided yours, ask what would she like to have and refrain from giving suggestions, unless asked for.
  6. Don’t fight her battles. She is in a mess, let her clear it up herself. Feminist women have grown out of fantasy myths such as ‘knight in shining armour’ or the ‘damsel in distress’. She is needs no prince charming to save her. She can handle that mess.
  7. Don’t try to own her. Another grave mistake you would not want to do my friend. Questioning constantly about her whereabouts would only land you in trouble. She will think you are typical MCP (male chauvinist pig) who is trying to possess her.
  8. Say no to sexist jokes. No, sexist jokes are not funny and they are certainly not acceptable. And, no she is not being overtly sensitive. And no, it cannot be taken lightly. Sorry, but that’s how it is.
  9. No crying, no drama. See, this one works in your favour. :) You are saved from all the crocodile tears and silly, useless giggling. She is not going to cry at the drop of a hat and neither is she going to use her tears to get her way around you. She is more likely to bail than wail.
  10. You will have a lot to talk about. She is not just a feminist, but also a well-read woman. So you are going to have a lot to talk about. Really a lot. And those topics can range from human rights to capitalism v/s socialism, from environment to sports, etc. She tends to read, write, travel, photograph, play and hold interesting jobs.
  11. Encourage her career. There is nothing else she would like other than this. You support her all the way in her career and she might have something in store for you. Surprise surprise! Never tell her that she doesn’t need to work as you have well-paying job. Grave mistake on your side, which might even cost you your relationship.
  12. Ready in a jiffy. This one again works for you as she won’t put much thought into her outfit or apply a few kilo of make-up or take hours getting out of the shower. She is a pretty confident woman who is not brainwashed by media and the glamorous fashion industry. She is not going to stand hours in front of the mirror deciding what to wear. She might utilise that time in doing totally something else. ;)
  13. No waiting for calls. No, she is not the kind who will wait for you to call her first or ask her out because that’s how it has always been. If she likes you, she will ask you out and if she wants to talk to you, she will call you. You are saved from taking the first initiatives every time. As I said before, she is confident and knows what she is doing.
  14. Saved from V-day. This one made you sigh in relief, didn’t it? Yes, she is above all those illusions of cupid and Valentine’s day. Forget about making it special or buying gifts, you don’t even have to acknowledge it as a special day. It is just another date and just another day in your life. Showing your love need not be on V-day, it can be today, tomorrow, any day or every day.
  15. No wrong ideas of romance. Did I tell that she is not brainwashed? Yes, she has no perfect filmi ideas of romance. Desi movies and Hollywood Rom-coms did not mess with her brain. I’m sure you are glad about this.
  16. Acknowledge the awkward. Don’t try to be smooth if you’re not smooth.  It’s okay to say “I feel shy about asking you out, but I like you.
  17. Listen to the other person. Listen more than you talk. Pay attention to the actual interaction that is taking place and not the one in your head.
  18. Don’t be the tough guy always. We know you care for her, but you don’t have to be the tough guy or the mummy always. You can also sometimes let go of your guard and tell her that you are feeling low and want to be pampered. Trust me, she will love it that you are sharing not just your happiness but also your low points and weakness with her. You can also cry in front of her. She is not going to make fun of you or think what a loser you are.

To be updated as and when more points strike my mind and life. Feel free to contribute. :)

Disclaimer: These are author’s personal views and by no means is the author suggesting that every person stick to these points or fall under this category.

About these ads

58 thoughts on “What to expect if you are dating a feminist woman

  1. Great post. Now only if there were ways to put feminist men and feminist women in touch with each other. The latter are as much a rare breed as the former.

  2. Two points…
    1. Simply put, treat her like your bro friend all the time
    2. Do an exception once a while to treat like a real girl doing all the cliched things (pull the chair, open the door, etc) and she will fall in love even more..

    • Couldn’t agree more. Have seen many women/girls thinks few even believes they are feminist, but unfortunately they are not :( . I was happy When I thought at least I have couple of friends who are feminists (female) but got disappointed when they turned up as any other typical Indian females (absolutely no offense towards Indian female, neither any dis-respect) when someone challenges their feminism, especially someone from their family or friends :( .

      I Don’t know when people really understand “FREEDOM CAN’T BE GIVEN, IT CAN ONLY BE TAKEN”. I believe same applies to right of equality.

  3. What is feminism? Why do we want to cut it into simple rules? The other day I was talking about how sex is becoming a taboo and people started saying to me that I am a feminist. I said chill, this is what I think. A better word for feminism would have been common sense, had the alpha males not take us all hostages in their webs. Damn!! I do sound like a feminist.

  4. I can totally agree to most of the above points. However I do take exception to no 6, or perhaps my english is insufficient. One thing that I as a feminist would require in my husband is somebody to talk over my messes with. Help me get my head on straight and tell me flat out if I’m being ridiculous or overreacting. I will do him the same favour. I sure don’t want him to take action on my behalf, but I do want his opinion and help.

  5. This is so true! Many people out there have a misconception about feminism. Would definitely advice them to read this article.

  6. I am a Feminist, but since I make a hobby out of cooking it has generally been easy for people who don’t know me to categorize me as a timid and perfect “wife material”. Fighting stereotypes like that can get very difficult and this has to do with the mentality of both men and women. I rather like this article…at least people can read some of the signs and understand how the little things matter…I’ll carry my own baggage, thank you very much. I’ll open doors for you too, whether you like it or not. :)

  7. Thank you Shry, I understand, it can be very irritating when people stereotype you. I can’t drive, I have tried thrice, but I can’t. Simple. But for that people won’t say, you can’t drive, but they’ll say, women can’t drive. What one woman does and can’t do, gets generalised for all women.

    • Thats the problem with stereotypes. They become like a basket to point to if something that approves of it comes up. Pretty irritating if you dont agree with it.. But if enough people get irritated it no longer stays a stereotype ;) Nice post :)

  8. It was an interesting read Japleen but I beg to differ..LOTS and lots of stereo-typing! One could be a feminist yet care about their appearance, put make-up, giggle and cry :) Do give it a thought..I think as feminists we should be all about breaking away from such strait jackets, otherwise we shall once again fall victim to social constructs of what our gender roles entails..as you already mentioned..anybody could be a feminist, including someone who takes hours to get ready :D

  9. I’ve read a couple of your articles, and I generally like them, but I have a few issues with this one. I like the concept of it, and what you’re trying to achieve with it, but I feel like it’s a little degrading to women who don’t identify as a feminist. Women who don’t identify as a feminist should be treated the same way, unless they specify otherwise. I consider myself a feminist, and I like when guys hold doors for me or offer to carry something heavy (it’s just a nice thing to do). I also like wearing makeup and putting on a dress.

    I also feel like it stereotypes men as unwilling to spend money and impatient. I know many guys that are happy to pick up the tab and wait a little for me two get ready.

    I like the idea of warming people up to feminism, though.

  10. Hi Sri, thank you for stopping by. I don’t know why you feel that this post is degrading to non-feminist women. I didn’t intend to degrade anyone and my apologies, if you felt that way. Secondly, I’m not writing a rule-book for feminism. This is my personal blog and these are my personal views. Some people agree with me and some don’t. You may associate yourself with some of the points above and with some not. And that is perfectly fine.

  11. I really liked you other posts but I would slightly disagree with some pints in this post. I think being feminist or dating a feminist does not require the man to give up chivalry but rather to do it without condensation, for e.g. opening doors (for anyone behind you) is just plain good manners. In my opinion feminism is not so much about the physical or monetary ability of a woman but more of an intellectual equality. Where I strongly agree that supporting her career and equal conversations are important, it is equally acceptable to help a lady (when in need). In general women have a softer constitution than men (not weaker) physically and have more variations in their hormone levels (I am not pointing out weaknesses but just scientific facts which also do not make us any inferior), and I would think gentlemanly behaviour is acceptable unless its just plainly uncalled for. And this goes both ways, for e.g., even though I am a woman, I would give up my seat to an old person in a bus/train simply because they need it more than me. This doesnt imply that we don’t value their opinion or respect them but is just good conscience.

    • Dear Priyanka, as I mentioned before in the above comments, I’m not writing a rule-book for feminism. This is my personal blog and these are my personal views. Some people agree with me and some don’t. You may associate yourself with some of the points above and with some not. And that is perfectly fine. And for example if I really can’t pick up anything, I would ask a man’s help. But I would appreciate if my guy doesn’t take it for granted that he always has to do all the heavy stuff and lets me do it and respect that. It is about not generalizing that women can’t pay or are weak, etc. We go through a painful week every month for a better part of our lives, we carry babies in us, we natural childbirth, we manage house and work both. I would definitely not call us weak.

  12. I’ve never really thought before about most of the things you mentioned in that list. I mean, most of these are just little things, but it’s the little things that make up the big things. Next time I’m on a date with someone and she expects me to order for both of us, I’ll take it as a red flag. Thanks, Japleen!

  13. I agree with most points, but then again, you seem to be putting ‘feminism’ in one color. I’m sorry but I beg to differ. How exactly do you define ‘Feminism’?

  14. it’s really hard to understand.. are u trying to reason out everything as you are feminist? if i am in love with someone (not only a girl), i will do things for them with love.. I may offer help or mostly do myself without asking them.. that doesn’t mean i am male chauvinist.. it’s just that i love them a lot..

    • Hey Buddy,

      Please read the previous replays. these are just like hints…
      I don’t understand Y most of people take everything literally.
      Dear Senthil, even I do a lots of things opposite to what JP has said but only as long as it makes my Sweetheart happy.
      No one is telling to do these exactly… So please consider this post as possibilities but not exactly how it is or how it should be.

  15. This is some of the most misinformed elitist bullshit I have ever read. You can’t group feminists into one category of people like that, say that all of them are well read and no one watches rom coms or wears lots of makeup or puts thought into their appearance. And feminists don’t cry or have any drama? It’s just not true. Women are all different, even feminists.

      • Japleen, I read your article and agree with some of the points you made.. However, it’s sad that you’re stereotyping feminist women.. The whole point of feminism is equality and the freedom to choose for each individual and not have to fit into stereotypes.. The freedom to be who they are.. wear whatever they want, with or without makeup.. work or be a stay at home person.. be emotional or practical, etc.. I also disagree where you mention that she won’t expect you to help her clear her mess – I think any relationship is meant to support you through good and bad times.. and all the things that are done in the name of chivalry are actually courtesies we should extend to other people irrespective of gender (e.g. holding a door for someone)

      • Dear Prerna, I have repeatedly said that these are my personal views. Please understand that this is my personal blog and sometimes I write only for myself. Anyway, I have put a disclaimer under the article now.

  16. Very good thoughts! Thank you for putting out these thoughts here.
    I have a feeling it’s gonna help my family in weird way.
    My younger brother (27yrs) was mentally premature before his puberty. Never liked any girl as suitable mate. Parent and jumbo family is tired of asking him what characteristics he envisioned in his partner so they can find and suggest one and his answer always was “Cant say to you gays, you wont understand”. I made him read this article and now we have a list; this article and very rudely subtracting 2,6 and 7. His exact words were “why insist on woman then? a gay male without sex interest will work well ! It’s very good that writer predeclared that this is her own views otherwise this 2,6,7 are bullshit premature feminist crap. Feminism should be liberating not constraining and whats virtue left of the idea of male-female living for each other if other cant offer and one feels downgraded for accepting physical or mental support that any gender seek from opposite gender.”
    Don’t take his comment on heart though, he always have sharp quote that sounds out of context at first but then you digest it over time then you get the idea. He’s kind of into satire before he started going to school.
    Good news is now we have a list. This is huge. Thank you.

  17. If I have to think twice about expressing any form of good natured courtship behaviour without run the risk of offending my feminist ‘date’, I dont think I will have a very good time dating someone like that. Look!!! Opposite poles attract. The beauty of our relationships is in our gender differences both biological and behavioural. To consider such difference a beauty or inequality is a fruit of individual common sense and maturity. Isnt it a little counterproductive to iron out those differences in the name of feminism. Whats the difference between me going out with my brother, my friend, my father or my feminist date if I am expected to behave gender neutral. The answer is ‘none’. Dating a feminist is an oxymoron, because any form of courtship behaviour is a risky proposition. Its that simple.

  18. In the name of equal rights, feminism is just having a go at suppressing the natural urges unique to both genders that forms the very backbone of our visible cultural behavioural differences in courtship. Just imagine a man wearing lipstick and miniskirt for the date just because men are free to wear anything (is there legislation against men wearing skirts?) would you girls like to spend the evening with him. Isnt there something out of place. Thats how a true man would feet if he should date a feminist while trying to observe the above advise. It takes a real pervert to get turned on to ‘feminist dating’.

  19. “If I have to think twice about expressing any form of good natured courtship behaviour without run the risk of offending my feminist ‘date’, I dont think I will have a very good time dating someone like that.”
    ====================================

    Exactly ‘delving piom’ – what man in their right mind is going to want to be “treading on eggshells like that” – it sounds like no fun at all and any man with a pair is going to tell them ‘no thanks you can do all that on your own’…

  20. I strongly suggest taking a look at better advise to be given out. V day is important and male chivalry will set you apart on a global scale . How to except “gifts” is an art. Be that woman. I understand that advise and youth are wasted on the young so as you grow remember this.

    • I understand that you do not quite agree with my views and that is totally fine. But can you please explain how is V-day important? And how is male chivalry going to set me apart on a global scale? I’m perplexed.

  21. First question i always ask a date is “By any chance are you a feminist or feminist sympathizer?”
    If she answers yes, i thank you for her honesty ( least i can do ), pay MY drink that i ordered before and leave the table without looking back ).

    That’s what i think of your ‘advices’.

  22. Oh and i love how the picture at the top of the page is from one of the most sexist, anti-male comics ever made.
    The author even has strips where his characters chant out loud “kill all men”.

  23. Pingback: What to expect if you are dating a feminist woman | Emotional Explosion

  24. I think some of these points are interesting /true, but I think some of them are wildly over-generalizing about what female feminists are. Being a feminist does not necessarily mean being a woman who is less emotional, more tough, less romantic, more career-minded, or any other characteristic other than being pro-equal rights for all genders. That is what being a feminist is about, and to assume that female feminists will have any common traits other than that is not a fair assumption. I consider myself a feminist and I still appreciate when my boyfriend opens a door for me or takes me out to dinner or listens to me cry when I’m upset; not because I’m weak and I can’t do those things without him, but because he cares about me and those are some of the ways he shows that.

    As a feminist, my biggest criteria in dating is respect. Someone who treats a woman with respect and as fully human is a feminist – whether they realize and acknowledge that or not. When dating female feminists, you can expect them to expect respect… and that is probably all you can expect. Because the rest will depend on the huge variance that make up each individual’s personality and preferences.

    Thanks for sharing and starting this conversation.

    • Agree.

      I would also like to point out from a male perspective that you can’t assume the motive behind the actions of a male/female or female/male (which ever way around you prefer) partner are all the same. The way you describe feminists in this article suggests that feminists like to do things for themselves rather than letting the female/male or male/female partner do it for them. This is more of a behavioral power game rather than respecting equal rights/respecting that person/gender and this can occur between any gender combination. Please do not confuse this with feminism.

  25. Thanks for this. It makes dating a feminist sound so much cheaper (less expensive) and easier.

    Sounds like I wouldn’t have to worry about being chivalrous (opening doors, etc.), paying for her meals and entertainment, carrying things she can possibly carry herself, report on my whereabouts (if I don’t choose to), ask her out (she’ll do it!), worry about Valentine’s Day, or anything else a man wouldn’t expect. Amazing!

  26. Very insightful. Although i do not agree with everything necessarily, this post did give me a different view in opening my thoughts. Thank you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s